The Other Side of Faith
by InzanityFirez
Summary: Between the decisions he's made and the Leviathans raging inside of him, Castiel is feeling more lost than ever.  At least, until a ghost of an alternate past shows up to guide him.  CastielxEndCas, set in 7x01.


**A thought occurred to me at work of what it would be like if End!Cas and Cas talked. There could be a very comical take on it, I'm sure, [and for some nutty folks out there, maybe some..uh..graphic stuff?], but I wanted to write...well, you'll see. XD Enjoy! XD~**

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_"I'm sorry." _

His final words, the grave last attempt to even slightly mend what he had broken. But that was impossible, because what he had broken was not merely physical, it transcended what was imaginable or previously thought possible. A precedent. Because Castiel, an angel, had defied Heaven and derailed a millenia old plan for the universe set by the Father himself, all for one man, for one family. And true, there had been the motivation of the countless humans who would surely die without the intrusion, but ultimately it had been the Winchesters, and more specifically: Dean Winchester.

A man who was both immensely irritating...and admirable. He hadn't known what to make of the warrior angel's destined vessel, who was at once both brash and valiant. A man who openly defied beings he should have knelt before, who mocked Fate [to her great vexation], who threatened Death himself. And yet, could be oddly kind and wise beyond his years and careless persona. A self-indulgent man by appearance, and yet, utterly selfless even to the point of his own destruction. For strangers, yes, and especially his family. A family that Castiel should have been honored to have been a part of.

But instead, through his own arrogance, he had lost not only the brothers he had been Created with, but the mortal brother who had claimed him. A wayward, Fallen angel, who consorted with demons and grasped further than he could reach, and yet, Dean had-in his own peculiar way-given Castiel a place in his heart. Something that he had come to understand was a rare feat, and mattered because it was Dean. The Righteous Man, the most loyal brother Castiel had ever known-even amongst his own brothers, a man who gave more than he should possibly have.

A man that Castiel had failed, just as he had failed himself.

...**Earlier**...

Something was wrong. Horribly wrong. Castiel stood before a slaughter, a flood of human blood and remains, his own form stained with them.

This was worse than wrong, this was abominable, and he was terrified of the consequences. Not because of what others might do in retaliation, he feared no one now, but of what he had done. Or something inside of him had done. Even now, he felt the shifting presence inside of him growing stronger, scraping at his insides to free itself.

What had he done?

...

Dean had bound Death, with the aid of Sam and Bobby, and sought to kill him. To murder him outright, after everything he had done for Dean-after the infinite patience and mercy he had shown him. This was the final betrayal that he would accept. Dean Winchester had caused Castiel pain for _the last time_.

Except that he couldn't, not when Death seemed ready to claim him-however unjustly-and he was forced to take his leave and hope that Dean's own arrogance would be the rope used to hang him.

It would serve him right for his betrayal and yet...as always...

The thought of the loss of Dean, more so even than Sam and Bobby, caused him pain and proved him a liar to his own affirmation.

...

Castiel found himself alone, scrunched up on a bench in an unoccupied park. The one where he had sat with Dean the first time, and explained his budding feeling as best he could. He was in pain, his very skin seemed to be burning itself raw, whatever was inside of him clawed at him, and he felt...ill. As he had during his brief stint with humanity, but worse than when he was faced with Disease himself. Castiel gave in to the urge to give a very human gesture as he held his head in his hands. "I need help." he whispered, an admittance that he had realized suddenly and ashamedly. But there was no help for the likes of him. A God couldn't pray to himself, and there was no one who would wish him well, not after what he had done...

"You can pray to yourself, actually." a voice drawled from behind him, accompanied by a light sort of giggle, a familiar voice with a very different intonation. "Well, me. And I am you and you are me and we are we. Something like that." A chuckle this time.

Castiel's eyes widened just slightly as he looked up to see...himself.

The man with his face, or Jimmy Novak's, rather, grinned down at him. He seemed disheveled, with facial hair and a messy appearance, and clothes that Castiel found...odd. "Who-"

"-I believe I answered that already. I am you. Or a version of you. I met your Dean once, he visited me in the future. I liked past Dean." The man who claimed to be him smiled widely. "My Dean was a broken man. Literally too, once Lucifer was done with him." The man was a bit talkative, but he had a slow, somewhat drawling pattern of speech that was both sardonic and...

"Are you inebriated?" Castiel asked suddenly, that question taking precedence if only because he was so surprised. A being with his face had appeared before him, knowing his thoughts, and he had come drunk?

"High, actually. But that was a good guess considering you've still got the stick up your ass." The other Castiel laughed.

"You are me...from the future...and you are..."

"High! Go on, say it. It won't hurt you." The other Castiel's grin returned full force, and it was oddly disturbing to see a face he had grown familiar with being his own presenting such a visage. "I come from a happy little future where Sam is Lucy's prom-suit, Dean's a heartless SOB, and yours truly is...well, your Dean called me a 'hippie', my Dean gave up on labeling me, and well...I was a guru to much of the rest of the camp, the females especially. Even without my wings, the concept of my former angelic status appealed to them greatly." The other Castiel's grin grew faintly lewd, and Castiel's sensation of being disturbed rose. "Call me Cas, by the way, the 'other Castiel' is a little dry.." A reminder that Castiel's thoughts were known to the other, apparently.

"Why are you here?" Once he had gotten over the initial surprise, Castiel was able to react quite calmly. Parallel world and time-traveling were not things he was unknown to.

"Well, that's the thing...I'm dead." Cas shrugged. "I died giving my Fearless Leader-Dean-a chance to gank ole Lucy with the Colt...but it didn't work. Luce snapped his neck and with that, all hope for that world died. Angels had left by then, so I was pretty useless. Guess it shows how much Fearless Leader cared though, that even heartless-he didn't just leave me high and dry, should thank him for that." Cas mused thoughtfully. He had stopped referring to Dean as 'Dean' somewhere after the first time he'd had Castiel shoot a Croat-infected child pre-turn. He was the Fearless Leader, and the Dean he'd known, like the Castiel he'd been, were gone.

Castiel couldn't stop the mildly horrified feeling that that thought elicited. The idea of dying, of Lucifer succeeding, the angels abandoning the world, and the utter devastation...the idea of himself becoming a wastrel human...it was truly a bleak world. But that still left something unexplained. Well, more than one, if he counted how a dead being from a parallel world had arrived in the first place-but he had a more pressing concern, so he repeated himself. "Why are you her-" Castiel cut off as a spasm of pain wracked him, and his stomach protruded outward slightly.

Cas' grin didn't falter as he motioned to Cas with his pointer and index finger pressed together. "That's my reason. You're a time-bomb, Other Me, and given the chance to intervene...I decided: what the Hell?"

Castiel was still uncertain of what to make of this...lesser version of himself, but something had caught his attention. "The chance to intervene?"

"Sorry. That's-" he giggled, "-Privileged information."

Castiel frowned as he rose from the bench to gaze evenly at his counterpart. "I am God. There is no information that should be kept from me."

Cas blinked and then snorted, before he clapped his hands together and laughed aloud before he patted Castiel's shoulder, and Castiel stiffened. Cas, on the other hand, seemed quite amused and regarded Castiel leisurely. "Don't forget, Castiel, I know our father. And you are not Him." Cas snickered.

Castiel's gaze was cold now rather than somewhat curious. "I _am_ God. The souls of Purgatory are mine to command, and-"

"-The Leviathan are yours to bring unto this world in chaos and destruction." Cas intoned dutifully. He dropped the solemn intonation and smiled thinly. "You can lie to your frie-excuse me-_former_ friends, to the people you're putting the fear-of-Castiel into, you can lie to yourself. But you can't lie to me, Castiel." Cas admonished with a cluck of his tongue.

Castiel's expression became vaguely troubled. "I am capable of restraining the Leviathans." he said firmly.

"For how long?" Cas asked solemnly.

"For eternity. I will accept the burden and responsibility, I am not a God who would shirk my duties as others would."

"And I thought Dean had an ego..." Cas snorted again. "What kind of God goes postal on his friends anyway?"

"I am God, I have no friends. Besides, Dean betrayed-"

"And Balthazar? Sam? Bobby? Rachel?" Castiel stiffened again and Cas kept his thin smile. "You cut them all down in one way or another. Those who were most loyal, and most loving to you."

"They betrayed me as well." Castiel said tightly, and he tried not to grit his teeth as the pain in his gut intensified. The pain was spreading, it was growing worse and he had no cure for it. He hoped that, in time, he would learn to tolerate it better.

"Ah, yes. Rachel, who wished to protect you from being taken advantage of, and who-as well she should-wanted no dealings with demons. Bobby, who trusted you playing with his soul, to say nothing of what he's done for you. Balthazar, who remained loyal even after his defection and only sought to save you from yourself. Sam, who showed you faith and kindness when you continually berated the foul blood forced on him. And Dean...well, do I really have to explain?"

Castiel stared hard at Cas for a moment before he said lowly. "You are not inebriated, or 'high'."

Cas lifted a brow. "All that I said, and _that's _what you took out of it?" Castiel didn't reply and he sighed with a shrug. "Guilty as charged. I'm dead, remember? Both of those blissful states are denied me. But the persona is admittedly...familiar."

"So even you would lie to me-"

"-You are lying to yourself, Castiel. You don't need me to." Cas said coolly. He had dropped the wastrel persona for the moment and was left as what he was. A shade of the angel he'd been, what was left of the broken human he'd become, and a tired man who missed the friends he'd regarded as a surrogate family. "'The road to Hell is paved with good intentions', Castiel. You willingly walked that road with Hell's King by your side, and you have the audacity to question anyone?"

Castiel didn't reply, and Cas gave a bitter laugh before he stepped closer until he was practically toe-to-toe with his parallel counterpart. "You want to know why I'm here? Because I failed. In the end, I saved nothing, I helped no one, and I died worthless. But because Dean of your time, a little link to my universe remained and I was able to slip through it, to you. I could not save the Dean I knew, or his brother, I could not save any of the countless suffering souls, and I could not save myself. I thought that perhaps, time still remained for you not to achieve the same end."

Castiel stared at him a moment before his gaze lowered as he shook his head slightly. "It's too late. Even if...even if things were not as they are, what has been done-I cannot undo."

Cas' hand snaked out to grab Castiel's trench coat as he jerked the other closer and regarded him silently a moment, his breath close enough to be warm against Castiel's face. "So you'll just give up? Roll over and wait for the Leviathans to tear you apart and destroy the world and people our Father loved so well?"

Castiel lifted a hand to Cas' to pull it away. "I will restrain the Leviathans." As if to prove him wrong, another spasm of pain sent a shudder through his body as the beings inside of him clawed for freedom.

"Pride goeth before the Fall, Castiel." Cas noted before he added. "How many more of your friends have to die before you see that?"

"Dean-"

"Trusted you. And you made a deal with Crowley. And still, he trusted you, professed a brother's love to you, and your great response to that honor was to point out his mortal frailty. You allowed for the woman and child he loved as family to suffer, to the point that he was forced to abandon them. And you destroyed the wall protecting the brother he holds most dear. You lied to him, used him, and patronized him. Dean is not without his faults, trust me, I _know_," Cas' laugh was bitter, "But for all that he might have abused your friendship, he gave it back to you in equal measure. There was no request you could have made of him that he would have denied, no length to which he would not have gone to help you. Not except that which he knew was wrong, such as your brilliant idea for him wait patiently while you destroyed yourself." There were Castiel's other friends to consider as well, but ultimately, Dean resided at the forefront of both of their minds.

Castiel heard the words and wished not listen. But he couldn't deny the truth of them. The reality that he had pointedly ignored in favor of the cause he'd set himself up behind. He had done it for Dean though, to keep him from harm, and-

"Hold that thought." Cas interrupted and Castiel focused his gaze on the being before him. "You didn't do it for Dean, you did it for yourself."

Castiel's eyes narrowed slightly. "You-"

"-Know exactly what I'm talking about. You may have thought of Dean, but it wasn't about what was best for him, not really. You wanted to prove yourself to him, you wanted to show him that you were more than just a 'baby in a trenchcoat', and fix things on your own. You wanted to prove you could do better than our Father. And now the whole world will burn for your arrogance."

"Enough!" Castiel snapped. "You may be 'me' in an alternate timeline, but I reside here. You know nothing of my motivations. What I did, I did for the good of Dean and the others of this world-"

"Lying." Cas chimed.

Castiel was on his feet in an instant, and he stood before his counterpart with a fierce glare as he lifted his hand with his palm flat. "You know nothing." he said lowly.

Cas was unafraid of the implied threat as he lifted his hand to Castiel's wrist and tugged his arm down. "I know _you_." he said softly. "And you don't want this."

Castiel's expression remained firm a moment more before it crumbled and the fear and uncertainty bled into his expression in an all-too human way. He was weak, and hurt, and...vulnerable. "They will never take me back." Castiel whispered.

"They won't take an imitation God into their fold. But they will take back a foolish angel. So which would you rather be? A god alone, or an angel amongst family?"

Castiel's head hung a moment as he considered those words and opened his mouth to speak, convinced as ever that the Winchesters wouldn't take him back even if he were to consider the foolish notion of abandoning his godhood. But then he heard something...unexpected.

_"Hey, Castiel. Maybe this is pointless. Look, I don't know if any part of you even cares. But I still think you're one of us deep down. I mean way, way, way off the reservation. But we have till dawn to stop this. Let us help, please." _

Cas watched Castiel carefully, a quiet look on his face despite the faint, slightly sardonic smile on his lips.

Castiel was awed and ultimately...humbled. He'd destroyed Sam's wall and still... "He...prayed to me...despite everything, he..."

"Wants you back." Cas finished. "And Bobby. And Dean."

"You don't know that." Castiel said quietly.

"...If there's one thing I've learned about family in my stint as part of one. It's that no matter how fucked up you are, no matter how useless, or unforgivable, or foolish...you always have a place with them. And that it is a precious bond. I learned that too." Cas mused softly.

"How could I face them again...after what I've done?"

"Easy. You get your ass up and do it. I'm not saying it won't be hard, or that they'll clap you on the back, but being a coward solves nothing. You get up, you face your friends, your _family_. You take their anger and sorrow, you take their love, and you do whatever it takes to make things right. That's family."

Castiel stared at the visage before him, the strange copy of himself, and then inclined his head. "Thank you...Cas."

Cas gave a two-finger salute and inclined his head in return with a faint grin. "Don't thank me yet. You'll probably get your ass kicked by Dean, but it's for the best. He's good about that."

Castiel was silent a moment before he spoke. "I'm sorry. If I could have-"

"-Helped? But you couldn't. My world, you know better. Besides, I died like a human. I'll see Dean again, and Sam too, maybe. Someday. Bobby and the others...I didn't have my powers, my Grace, but...even dying cold in the mud, I wasn't angry, not at them. Just at myself for not being able to help more, to protect them the way I felt should. I couldn't protect my family. Don't let my regret become yours, Castiel."

Castiel wasn't sure what to make of the other before him. He'd considered him at first a very twisted version of himself, but after the turn of their conversation, he wondered if maybe he wasn't the twisted one himself. He wanted that easy confidence in calling the Winchesters family, he wanted that clarity of thought instead of the muddled confusion that surrounded him, and most of all...he wanted that camaraderie, that affection. He wanted to be a part of the family Cas spoke of so easily. Castiel wanted to be worthy again.

But what was family? The angels who had alternately fought by his side, and held a blade to his chest? The Father who had abandoned him? That was the family he was given to by Creation, but not what he'd come to understand family could be. Family like Bobby, with his gruff affection and his proclivity for nuturing that belied his tough nature. Or like Balthazar, who for all his quirks, had chosen Castiel's side. Family like Sam, who for all his faults, had given Castiel reason to believe in bonds and the matters of the heart over destiny. And Dean...who had believed in him against all instinct, who had been his loyal friend and ally, who had called him brother. In the recent years, he had learned more about the concept of family, of emotion, of life, than in all of his millenia of existence. And he had them to thank for that. Therefore, even if it seemed hopeless, even if he'd failed, then for that family...he would continue to fight.

"Thank you."

Cas' form had begun to fade and his grin became a begrudgingly fond smile before he seemed more like the angel he'd once been as he bowed his head. "Keep them safe, the way I couldn't." his hand found Castiel's chest as he squeezed it over his heart. "Guide with this, rather than-" he rapped his knuckles on Castiel's head, "This." he stepped back as he'd nearly faded completely. Cas grinned suddenly. "And lighten up. Iniquity has it's perks." his chuckled echoed a moment before he disappeared, and Castiel was left alone in that silent park.

Pain overwhelmed him again, but he ignored it. He knew what he had to do, and as he disappeared and reappeared before the startled pairs of Winchester eyes, he didn't regret it. He knew that he wouldn't survive, and probably Cas had too, but that was okay; he was right.

Castiel may have regretted many things, but he wouldn't let failing his family be one of them.

For them, he'd die gladly.

"Sam...I heard your call. I need help."

_I need my family._

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**Well, this took ages of back-and-forth. XD But I finally finished it on a trip, and am posting it today..my twentieth birthday!Hence having been on a trip! I digress. XD I hope it was enjoyable, and realistic. I wanted an interaction between the two and thought it was an interesting concept to take place in this scene. I miss Cas and Bobby. ;-; Leave me verbal hugs and such! And for those of you waiting on posts to other stories of mine, I haven't given them up, I'm just way work-busy and distracted. But I'll try and get to them soon. Happy New Years and such! -Witchy~ **_  
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